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Single Mother by Choice to be: It takes a village to create a child!

Single Mother By Choice to be Ellen shares her thoughts about deciding to have a child on her own and tells how she injected some fun by involving her family and friends in the process of choosing the donor.

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Single Mother by Choice: It takes a village to raise a child – or in my case to create one!

It’s funny, in many societies in the world there is no translation for the phrase “single mother”. The concept just doesn’t exist. Not because women aren’t raising children without the involvement of the biological father, but because they are raising their child in a community – in an extended family. They are not single, they are not solo, they are not alone.

My decision to become a Single Mother By Choice, like many women, was not a straightforward one. My plan A had been to fall in love, get married and raise a family. Things didn’t quite work out like that.

At 30 and after much soul-searching I decided that my priorities (to love and to have a child) did not need be intertwined. I came to the realisation that, by separating out the two, I was able to follow the path of each of them much more authentically. I was able to follow my plan of becoming a mother without needing to wait for the ‘right’ man at the ‘right’ time and I was able to love without the time pressure of my biological clock.

Comfortable with the choice I had made, and with the most supportive group of family and friends anyone could ever wish for, it was time to select a donor!

Now if anyone has ever been involved in online dating you’ll know that picking a sperm donor is a bit like online dating but on steroids! Swipe right for yes and left for no (well, almost!). Nothing about fertility treatment is quite like falling in love over a candlelit dinner! So, I decided that it would be nice to inject some fun into the experience!

Having narrowed down my donor selection (with the help of my mum!) to 9 donors, I shared my shortlist with my family and friends, everyone from my 10-year-old goddaughter to my 86-year-old grandmother! Everyone was asked to read the profiles, pick their favourite and then be ready to justify why they felt that their donor should be chosen.

Clearly, being the independent soul that I am, I had already decided on my favourite donor before the start of the party but it was the most wonderful experience to have all of the people I love and care about taking the time to go through the donors and give me really well thought out responses to which one was their favourite and why. Even more special was that the donor who received the most votes at the party was also the donor I had selected as my favourite! Everyone was 100% behind my decision to go forward with treatment!

Only weeks after the sperm donor picking party, my treatment began. I had opted to skip IUI and go straight in with IVF. Not because anything in my results indicated I would need to, but because I felt that I needed to spend my money on the treatment with the highest probability of success.

I was accompanied to every single appointment by either a family member or best friend and one of my best friends was even allowed in the room with me when my 5-day transfer took place. That close level of involvement has meant that my family and friends have all felt personally invested in my journey and at no point did I feel alone.

Unfortunately, my first attempt was unsuccessful, but I have more vials of sperm in storage ready for when I’ve saved up enough money to be able to have a second round of treatment. Thankfully I’m only 32 so I still have plenty of time and in the meantime, I’ll be spending my time surrounded by my wonderful support network, making incredible memories and, you never know, maybe even finding love!

Please keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me lots of baby dust!

/A Single Mother by Choice to be

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Note: Ellen is a fictional name used because the writer wish to be anonymous.

Connect with Single Mothers by Choice in our FB community

In our Facebook group Family Dreams you can connect with other Single Mothers by Choice and Single Mothers by Choice to be. The closed group is a kind community where you can ask questions, share your story and support others on their fertility journey. Join the group here.

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Related posts

Male infertility Male infertility: What does it mean? Fertility treatment Fertility treatment – What are the options? Single mum by choice Single Mum by Choice: There I was, 38 years old and single Fertility tourism - pregnant woman and air plane Fertility tourism: Why travel abroad?

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  1. Ina says:

    A Single Mother By Choice to be

    I have read Your article and have found myself in it.
    Since ever i was an independent girl who gained knowledge in order to be able to create a peacefull home with a mother who can work from home.Being with children, having a husband and a house-home, having animals…and just be happy .
    Day by day, year by year…i had different opportunities to be in a relationship…even 5 years…and always wanted children…but my partners actually were the children.Being independent and well organised made me choose the ones who were too afraid or comfortable to create family.
    Presently…I am alone.Do not have even a kind of boyfriend.I almost turned 36…and realised some time ago that its really high time to be a mother.
    II bought a flat, moved closer to my parents,presently am taking care about my job (as i moved 250 km far from the place i used tolive) and now…slowly(not too slow) am thinking of having a child on my own.
    When i think about a donor…its so artificial,innatural and imperfect to have a baby.A baby created from love of two people…Is my love to be enough?
    How do You feel with Your deeper feelings?
    How do You perceive future?
    Hope You will be lucky soon.
    Keep my fingers crossed
    xxx
    Ina

    1. Ellen* says:

      Hi Ina,
      I have a best friend who left an abusive relationship when her daughter was less than a year old. She raised the most beautiful, intelligent, brave and strong daughter anyone could ever ask for and she did it all on her own.
      I am 100% certain that the unconditional love of one parent is more than enough 🙂
      It’s definitely scary and it’s certainly not what I dreamed of when I was a child but I truly believe that we regret the things we didn’t do much more than we regret the things we did!
      For me, having my friends and family around me has been the most important part of my journey so far and I know that their support will continue when I start my next IVF cycle.
      It’s sometimes hard to picture a future in which I’m raised a child without a partner but it’s much much harder to picture a future without a child at all.
      I wish you lots of luck in your journey and my only piece of advice would be to start as soon as possible. The longer you wait the harder (and therefore the more expensive) it can become to conceive.
      (Author of the original post)

  2. Ana Summers says:

    Really funny! Thanks for posting this nice topic. I am sharing

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