Tanja is a solo mother by choice – Here she talks about following her dream
At the age of 36, Tanja from Denmark chose to become a solo mother by choice. Today, Tanja has 5-year-old twin girls, and she has later also found a lovely man. In this blog post, Tanja shares some of her thoughts and advice to follow your dream and become a mother.
When I started considering whether to have a child alone, I postponed my decision for several years. I had countless good excuses for why it should not be right now:
- Maybe the prince showed up one day down in the supermarket
- Or there was just one festival I wanted to go to
- I got a leading position that I had to manage
- And then I had heard about lots of women who had had children late in life
- And I did not quite know if I wanted to become a mother
In reality, it was most of all because I was really scared to step into the unknown where I had no idea what was waiting for me as a mother. The only thing I could figure out was that it would change my life significantly. I spent 2 years thinking and thinking and then thinking a little more… I did not get wiser on whether it was the right choice for me. Besides, I constantly had a voice inside that told me I had to do something soon. At the same time, I dreamed of finding a man with whom I could have children.
The step to becoming a solo mother
But I was by no means young, so when one of my friends became a mother at the age of 40 using ICSI treatment, I chose to trust myself, and I began to take the first small steps toward becoming a solo mother. I was 36 years old at the time and the initial tests showed that I had quite low fertility. I had few eggs left and the quality was not very good. I chose that it should be now and that my dream of children should become a reality with the help of a sperm donor.
Becoming a solo mother of twin girls
Becoming a mother is by far the biggest and best decision in my life, at the same time it has been hard work both physically and for me as a human being and mother. My longing to have someone to give my love to disappeared like that. On the other hand, it is now hello to a life at home which was characterized by a lot of routines – and in the first years too little sleep. But one of the things I have been good at is letting go of mess and dust and taking a nap with the girls instead. The most important thing was that I could be a good mother.
Help from the network
Also, I have always prioritized that I could have time on my one once in a while. I have always worked very actively with my “village”. That is, I used people in my network to help me care for the girls. In the beginning, it was only an hour or two at a time. Today I regularly have a weekend off. For me, that free space is extremely important, and it fills me up with renewed energy.
Finding the man in my life after children
When the girls were 2 years old, I started dating again. It was not quite like before😊 My dates usually took place as coffee dates at home in the living room when the girls were asleep. At one point, I met the man, who later became my boyfriend. We spent a long time getting to know each other without involving our children or families. It was in many ways a free space for me where I could have my needs for intimacy and adult contact fulfilled. Today we have been together for 3 years and we are involved with each other’s families. We help each other in everyday life and my boyfriend often takes care of the girls for example when I have evening meetings.
We do not live together and that works really well as we have children of very different ages. That means more focus on quality-time when we are together. At the same time, we can prioritize our families’ needs.
Put small actions on and step out of the comfort zone
I often talk to women who postpone their decision because they hope to find love and they fear how to cope with life as a solo mother. We stay in the comfort zone, where it is safe and secure, and where we are 95% of the time. The only problem is that you gamble with your own happiness. When women turn 35, the statistics show that our fertility drops quite drastically.
Just as I experienced it myself, many of the women I talk to postpone motherhood. They think they can find a solution without taking action. One of the strategies I work with is to take a lot of small actions. That way, the path to becoming a mother becomes less overwhelming and unreal.
Three tips from Tanja to act and move towards the dream of becoming a solo mother:
- Find communities on Facebook or Instagram for solo mothers or follow – or find women who are already solo mothers and share their lives
- Do you already know a solo mother? So spend time with her and experience her everyday life
- Make a diary. Start by writing down why you wish to become a mother